"good luck out there, gentle friend"
"good luck out there, gentle friend"
Jen literally was saying that she gave up on our friendship
and i guess she took me being very busy way more extreme than i would ever take something like that
and i kept putting the blame on myself
and i just want to scream at how FUCKING CRAZY THIS ALL SOUNDS TO ME BECAUSE I LITERALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS JUST MAD AT ME CAUSE I COULDNT COME TO HER PLAY ////////////// EVEN WHEN SHE ASKED ME NOT TO COME B/C IT WAS EMBARASSING BUT I TOLD HER I DIDNT CARE AND I STILL TRIED TO COME— WHICH BY THE WAY IS SHOWING THAT I DO CARE ABOUT HER WHICH SHE WAS ACCUSING ME OF “TREATING HER LIKE SHIT”
and she cant expect me to put in all the effort… she said that when she texts me i dont respond… and i might not right away if i dont see it or if im at dinner and my family doesnt like texting while were eating or understandable stuff like that BUT THEN
I SNAPCHAT HER AND TEXT HER AND COMMENT ON HER PROFILE PICTURE AND POST ON HER WALL AND SHE DOES NOT MAKE ANY TYPE OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OR RESPONSE AND THEN YELLS AT ME ABOUT NOT EVEN TRYING TO TALK TO HER LIKE HELLO YOURE THE ONE NOT RESPONDING
IM SO ANGRY…. NOT AT HER BUT JUST AT THE FACT THAT SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I DO CARE AND THAT I AM PUTTING IN EFFORT
and the whole time i jsut kept blaming myself and not saying that shes done anything wrong etc because i’m trying to move foward and be progressive with this and be positive and she just shuts down everything i say kinda like mom would.
finally at the end the most positive thing she said- which is a very good thing was something like “k. we’ll see if anything changes” which i know she said in an “i doubt it” kind of way but i dont care it is something.
i need to talk to someone about everything and im so thankful for Francesca for being understanding so SO SO understanding and not weird about it—— LIKE WE DONT TALK ALL THE TIME AT ALL—- and nothing is weird bewteen and we dont get mad at eachother for not talking because i GET that shes busy and i dont say / she doesnt say to me “real friends would make time for me” because yes thats true but ITS NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY AND YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT WHEN PEOPLE ///DO/// TRY AND IT DOESNT WORK
hopefully im seeing jess this weekend to go to north hampton and i can alk to her about it WOW life is a LOT
but yeah i really hope things go better with jen and i can see her soon because i miss her a lot and i just need to see her because its been a while
and frencesca is an angel
Jen’s depression can be bat shit crazy sometimes. I know it’s her depression speaking and not her per say, but holy shit, when depression speaks out loud it is rude and bitchy as all hell.. Like straight out of a middle school horror story..
it makes me so angry!! Not at her but at her depression, because she’s not like that!! God it is scary and I’m so taken aback by it.
wish I could just pick her up and carry her to a doctor.
wahhh ok tensing up in my bed i mean like clenching my fists and bringing my arms and legs close into me because i read about charlotte and kats relationship and how charlottes roommate thinks theyre dating even though charlotte likes boys or whatever. and i just have so much sexual? frustration because i want a friend like that like Uufidsoajfska;jfsfalskdj I WANT A FRIEND SO CLOSE PEOPLE THINK WERE DATING IM SO CONFLICTED AND UREERRGGG kjfsdlaf;ew
i literally cant
i mean i have jen
and we’re basically going out - by which i mean we love eachother were not embarassed about anything around/ about each other/ our selves
but she doesnt exactly live near me and i have to worry about others being jealous that im closer with her or something I D E K.
okay but i wish kat was my friend
wow im just rlly jealous of charlotte okay im mean bye
ps no one knows about me also liking girls so i cant tell anyone/ talk about it/ bring it up or like whatever ok that will be another post
except Annie who i told but im afraid to talk to her not about this but about anything like even asking her what the hw was idk im horrified of being annoying
uhhh my lifeee
woo christmas marks one year of me actually remembering the past year pretty clearly and i hated my self more than ever and i actually started the whole not eating thing ew yay life
last night i went to a party (!!) with jen [from camp] it wasnt her party but it was one of her friend’s, and it wasnt like crazy like there wasnt any drinking or anything like that but we played spin the bottle and i kissed 5 guys
this literally isnt even me
like before this summer i thought i would ever say a swear word in my life and now look at me go im growing up so fast omg ;’]
so this is like a super personal blogy blog por que my other one which is personal too- i just feel weird like saying really personal stuff on because i a few people i know follow me and theyre close and i trust them and whatnot but idek man, im just doing this because i want to actually say what im thinking yknow
no followers holler at me boiz
i just remembered my password so get me a prize